Hard Knocked Life

Poor Bean. She's been getting a lot of bad press lately. The meltdowns, the fire shooting out of her eyeballs business and her stubborn resolution to let no one other than myself handle her.

But it's tough being an infant. And guys, she's upset. I can tell because she mostly looks like this these days:

It isn't easy being a baby...

Day 100 BC (Before Catastrophe)
Today was another awesome day. It's still a balmy 98.6 degrees and I love waking up hearing the ocean outside my room.

Day 150 BC
It is so nice for room service to keep sending me brownies with salted caramel ice cream. I should do some jumping jacks to make sure I don't get too fat. Right after my nap.

Day 210 BC
I think I need to lay off the ice cream. It's getting a little tight in here.

Day 250 BC
HOLY CRAP...I think there's an earthquake happening...check my Twitter account for updates! @BabyD

Day 1 AD (After Disrupting-the-Awesome)

Yesterday SUCKED.

 

Day 6 AD

I am definitely sending a letter to the head of security at the hospital. Those guards let the milk bitch and the freak who keeps taking my picture walk right out with me! Clearly they are part of some South American gang selling babies on the black market. The hideout house is filled with all of their captives.

It doesn't look good for me. The neglect is palpable. It won't be too long before I'm covered in hair, drooling and licking my own butt.

Day 15 AD
Dear People I Don't Know Who Insist on Talking to Me,

Get out of my facial! You are freaking me out.

Back off. The milk bitch just trimmed my nails. They are sharp as razor blades and I know how to use them.

Kisses,
The Bean

Day 46 AD
Today was just another page in this hellish book I call life.

It's bad enough that the milk bitch drags me EVERYWHERE with her. But she is taking it too far now.

Day 91 AD
There was finally a glimmer of hope today!