Month 6: Week 3

Each week, nearly every mother in the world receives an update (or 5) on their growing child and the milestones appropriate for that week.

For example, this week's updates for The Bean included such gems like:

• She's finally rolling from front to back and back to front!
• It's a new world to explore and she's using all her senses
• Your baby won't have the dexterity to open books or turn pages for another 3 months
• Your baby will start cooing and "talking" with you. Encourage this!
• You're probably starting to enjoy a structured sleep schedule and a full night's sleep - relax and enjoy

The milestones are mostly lame and wildly unhelpful.

Here's the update they should have sent this week:

Congratulations! Your bundle of joy has learned to lock her hips and knees which means she'll never sit again. Why sit when there's walking to practice? Don't expect to sit your little tyke down if the phone rings, if you need to pee, if it's time to feed her. We can do all these things standing up! Yoga and hot baths should help alleviate the back pain from all the stooping to parade your pride and joy around the house.

Your child is exploring the world around them...mouth first. Blocks, spoons, other children's hands, table edges, sneakers, baby wipes, freshly washed diapers, feet, sticks, clumps of dog hair and the cat will all be approached mouth first and promptly covered in drool. Have a towel handy.

Reading is fundamental and an important skill to foster early in your child's life. Hand your child books and magazines and watch them be torn to shreds or thrown at passing cats and dogs. 

By 6 months old, an infant has usually discovered his or her voice and she will serenade you with impressions of screech owls, Pterodactyls and squealing piglets. Encourage your little one to speak up and they will - in restaurants, church and during important conference calls.

Naps? Not so much. Bedtime? Bah! Starting this week, your little one will refuse to sleep. Ever again.