You're Either In or You're Out

It's down to the two of you. One you will be the winner of Project Baby Carrier.

Moby, when the competition started it looked as though nothing was going to stop you. We particularly enjoyed your newborn looks for the Food Shopping challenge, the Dog Walking challenge and the Getting a Fussy Newborn to Nap challenge.

Mom found you easy to use, convenient to pack and slipping a sleeping newborn in was no problem.

Unfortunately, somewhere around the 12 lb. mark, you began to show some limitations. Right on your label it says mothers shouldn't move from the newborn hold to the hug hold until 3-4 months. Unfortunately by month 2, the baby was no longer happy in the newborn hold. It was tight, she looked uncomfortable and was turning an alarming red color. When we switched to the hug hold, her head wasn't supported and she was still working on holding that giant appendage up on her own.

And, of course, the shrinkage in the dryer was huge misstep. New moms don't like to feel FATTER after they've had a baby; and your two-inch shrinkage did just that.

Ergo, we were super excited to have you in this competition. For starters, you were burnt orange which gave you a leg up with the Texans among us. But you really stumbled out of the gate. Actually, you fell straight on your face. You swallowed the newborn whole. Even with your proclaimed newborn insert.

We were going to cut you that first week, but your burnt orange kept you in the race. We're glad we took a gamble on you.

You've really emerged as a contender down the stretch.

When the baby was just starting to get control of her head, you hit your stride. You're comfortable for her and super comfortable for Mom. The baby likes to hold onto your straps to help her keep her head up and look around while out for a walk.

We still have some concerns about the rumors of you being bad for infants' legs, but the baby in question can comfortably straddle Mom's torso and Mom lifts her up every now and then and moves her legs around to make sure circulation is happening.

So...who is it going to be?

You really are both great products and we are so glad you have been part of this project. We wish we could pick both of you because you each have your own strengths. But, eventually, there can be only one winner.

The winner of Project Baby Carrier is....Ergo.

Moby, I'm sorry. You had a great start, indispensable really, but you just don't seem like you'll be in it for the long-term. But don't give up. Perhaps in a month or so, you'll be ready. Until then...

Auf Wiedersehen.

Lost in Translation

Living with an infant is much like taking in a foreign exchange student. Neither one of you speaks the other's language.

There's some trial and error. A little charades. And a whole lot of "I give up. I'll try back later."

Luckily, I am going through an immersion class in deciphering infant body language and noises. Naturally, I am here to share some tips with you.

Lesson 1:

Lesson 2:

Lesson 3:

You're welcome.

(Special shout out to Alexandra who The Bean has deemed an acceptable chair.)

Dogs and Babies

In part 2 of my practical How-To series, I have provided a detailed account of how to take your baby and dogs for a walk at the same time without having to blow your brains out by the end of the excursion.

43% of our family is comprised of canine members.

Since I haven't properly introduced everyone here on the blog yet, let me take a few minutes to do so.

I'll get the bad news over with first.

Ginger


Don't be fooled by her pathetic, forlorn 1,000-yard stare. This dog is the bane of our existence. Mainly because her natural state looks something more like this:


Why yes, that is a giant turd hanging out of her mouth; thank you for asking.

This turd burglar needs constant monitoring else you will find her with her head in the cat box or scavenging for delicacies outside. Hers, other dogs', she's not picky.

Apart from eating so much shit that she has put on about 10 pounds in the last week, she also tries to steal the other dogs' food while her bowl is full, freaks out to the point of major destruction on our house during thunderstorms (yes, we've tried everything...she is just a crazy old dog that will not be comforted by drugs, weird thunderstorm blankets or being hit in the head repeatedly with a brick), is a bottomless pit of need and is a general butt hole--so at least she has that going for her.

But like that weird uncle you have, she's family and we're stuck with her until the bitter end. She's about 14 years old and will outlive everyone in the family just to spite us all. She is that hateful.

Let's move on.

Baxter


Baxter is the golden child who can do no wrong. Look, we know parents aren't supposed to have favorites, but it's hard not to when you have a Baxter in your midst.

Baxter is the king of cuddles. If cuddling was an Olympic sport he would be the undisputed gold medal champion.

Baxter is a live and let live kind of guy whose reasons for existence include playing ball, swimming in lakes and did I mention the cuddling?

Finally to round out the dog troop, we have Bear:


Bear is a mama's boy.


Bear's main contribution to this family is barking.

Everyone asks how the dogs have handled having The Bean added to our family. For the most part, the dogs have been wildly unimpressed with The Bean's arrival.

Ginger continues to eat poop with wild abandon. We must throw all of the poopy diapers into a lidded garbage can and get it out of the house as quickly as possible lest we add another flavor to her culinary poop tour.

Baxter has always been a sensitive guy. He was the hardest hit by The Bean's arrival since we cannot shower him with love and affection 24 hours a day like he was accustomed to receiving. The arrival of The Bean has turned him into a petulant teenager because he's not getting all the attention.



And Bear still barks.

We attempted a group outing one day while I was in the throes of a guilt-ridden hormonal meltdown. The dogs hadn't been on a proper walk since The Bean had come home and their antsy following me from room to room was driving me up the wall.

In an effort to not kill everyone in the house, I packed us up. Three dogs on leashes, one Bean in a stroller and me in my sneakers.

We made it three feet from the front door.

In that time, I had hit each of the dogs twice with the stroller. The leashes were wrapped around the wheels of the stroller making it impossible to move forward. And I was stuck between the leashes and the stroller.



How To Walk Three Dogs with a Stroller

Step 1: Leave all nasty shit-eaters at home.

How To Walk Two Dogs with a Stroller

Step 1: Place a leash in each hand and position one dog on each side of the stroller. (see Exhibit A)


Step 2: Take one step and be unable to progress further. (See Exhibit B)


Step 3: Untangle leashes, self and stroller and reposition as explained in Step 1.

Step 4: Take four steps and crash stroller into black dog at least 4 times.

Step 5: Be assertive and refuse to stop walking just because black dog cannot figure out how to get out of the way of the stroller. Dogs are smart; he will learn to stay on one side of the stroller and not directly in front of it.

Step 6: Walk 100 feet with assertive attitude explained in Step 5. Hit black dog with stroller 100 more times.

Step 7: Retrace steps back to front door.

Step 8: Hit black dog with stroller 110 more times.

Step 9: Leave black dog at home.

How To Walk One Dog with a Stroller

Step 1: Put mama's boy on a leash and position next to the stroller. (See Exhibit A.2)


Step 2: Walk 100 feet towards park; hit white dog with stroller 100 times.

Step 3: Shorten leash to 3 inches long, making it impossible for brain dead dogs to walk in front of the stroller while it is being pushed. (See Exhibit B.2)


Step 4: Walk 100 feet and nearly trip in disbelief that you managed to walk 100 feet without hitting a dog.

Step 5: Stop to chat with people who can't resist a new baby being walked in the park.

Step 6: Pry enormous white dog who vigilantly protects his family off of terrified person.

Step 7: Speed walk through park and avoid coming into contact with any further humans.

Step 8: Arrive home, vow never to walk the dogs again and take a nap.

A New Regular* Blog Feature: A How-To You Actually Need

* And by regular, I mean whenever I remember it.

In this day and age, there is a plethora of information about things you need to know when raising a child.

Don't know which end the diaper goes on? No worries, there's a detailed account of how to do that on the Internet. How do you stay on the slippery newborn bath time rodeo for more than a minute? Never fear! There's a YouTube video to guide you through the soapy war zone.

But inevitably, you still come across tasks that leave you stumped.

I've found these are the tasks that directly impact me getting back into a normal life routine...so they are burning hot priorities for me to figure out.

YOU lucky folks are going to benefit from my distress and subsequent ingenuity in this new feature: "A How-To You Actually Need."

How-To #1: How To Go Shopping with a Newborn

I'm not talking about carousing the mall for the latest fashions. I hate clothes shopping with a white, fiery, burning passion and plan on rocking my maternity clothes until I am old enough to wear a mu mu in public without drawing too much attention.

This how-to deals directly with shopping which requires a cart.

My first trip to the grocery store after The Bean was born was an exciting day for me. Freedom and normalcy were in the air. I was actually leaving the house! I would be driving my car again! There would be actual adults around! People would coo at The Bean while I acted all aloof and like a well put together first-time mom going about her daily chores!

Once I arrived at the store though, I was quickly faced with a dilemma. (You can click on all the images to make them bigger to read)



I needed ingenuity quick!



Instead I ended up with this:



So I headed home defeated and hungry.

I convinced myself women in the past must have gone food shopping with a newborn, however I couldn't exactly recall ever seeing this take place and how it was managed.

Oh sure, I've seen this many times:



But putting The Bean in the child seat of the cart at her age would result in this:



I finally remembered I received a baby carrier as a gift. Aha! A hands-free baby carrying device. Exactly what I needed! Except when I put The Bean in and got myself situated, this happened:



Huh.

Turns out, that piece of equipment wasn't made to carry little pygmy children.

And so we starved and all died.

Actually, I went to the great guru Google and asked him what the hell. And he was all, "Dude, haven't you heard of the Moby? All the cool, hippie moms are doing it. You can put little pipsqueak children in it and go buy diapers AND ice cream--at the same time!"

The Moby is intimidating at first. Mainly because it looks like a giant sheet roughly the size of a school bus that you must somehow origami around yourself so it safely holds your child.

Lucky for me, the people who write the instructions on how to wrap a Moby are the same people who write the manuals for furniture assembly (a language I am fluent in...no, really). So on the first time out of the gate:



This is how I gained my freedom through a stupid piece of fabric.



I am a baby-wearing hippie and proud of it.