We Need to Talk

It's time someone blew the cover off the greatest conspiracy of all time: Parenthood.

I'm not sure when all the parents in the world got together and decided to become a gang of lying bastards. Misery really does enjoy company, doesn't it? That is the only explanation for why people I know and trust would lie blatantly to my face.

Despite my sky-high levels of skepticism regarding parenthood and platitudes, I blindly believed the following statements. Because they are the only explanation for why people actually CHOOSE to have children. Now that I've discovered everyone's a lying scoundrel, I can't make heads or tails out of deliberate procreation.

• It's different when it's your own child

 No...it really isn't. A scream is a scream is a scream. Five straight hours of screaming is not music when produced by your own child.

• Relish every moment; the time flies

I'm reminded of this scene from The Jerk...officially we're on day 156, but it feels more like day 344,349.

• After 4 months, everything gets so much better

We're on month 5 and I'm pretty sure the one I got is broken. Or else she's really bad at being 5 months old. Maybe I need to let her go? But that's awkward around the holidays.

• The good moments make you forget all about the bad ones

The good moments are why the child survives past 9 months old. You don't forget the bad moments. When The Bean turns 16 and starts sassing me, I plan on waking her up every 2 hours for 5 months straight so we can have some milk. Or maybe I'll just scratch at her face for a few hours because it makes me feel better.

• It's a phase

But OH! how you forgot to mention that it's a phase followed by another phase, then another, and another.

This post was brought to you by Sleep Training Day 1. A wildly unsuccessful program which makes all parents question why they decided to throw their lives into complete upheaval by having children just when they were getting the hang of mature adulthood.