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Baby showers are pastel monstrosities of uncomfortableness where a gaggle of women sit around and eat horrifyingly tasteless dishes while staring at the mother-to-be. There's ooh-ing and aah-ing over baby items everyone has seen 1,000 times over ("Oh my God! A soft blanket with a duck embroidered on it. How cuuuuuute and unexpected.") and some tragic games involving diapers and candy bars.

If you're really lucky, your baby shower gets a theme. Something really inspiring like "Tea Party in the Pumpkin Patch," "Polka Dots and Poopy Diapers" or "Enough Pink Sparkly Things to Make You Vomit."

It should not surprise you that I have surrounded myself with people who know full well I would fill their homes with fire ants and black mambas should they subject me to such horrors. An eye for an eye.

This past Saturday, Michael and I (I had insisted on a Jack and Jill shower as there was no way in hell I was going through this alone) pulled up to our friend's house for: THE SHOWER.

As we were walking up to the driveway, the first things I saw were 2 laundry lines full of baby clothes.

"You have got to be kidding me. I've been duped. This looks just like every other baby shower. I may have to kill myself before taking another step."

But then, fair interwebs, I decided to take one more step and saw the shiny colors surrounding the house. And while not black with tints of blood red as would suit a baby shower best, I saw colors immediately recognizable and I could breathe again.

Purple, Green and Gold.


Because is there really a more appropriate theme for a baby shower than Mardi Gras? I think not.

Had it not been for those laundry lines of baby clothes, you wouldn't know you were at a baby shower. Perfect.

I'd show you photos, but (a) the person taking the majority of the pictures was so stressed out planning this thing, she left immediately for a week-long vacation in Mexico--OK, fine, she had a wedding to go to; and (b) in the few photos I did see, I look pregnant. Whale pregnant.

While I would love to relive every moment for you here since this was actually a really fabulous evening, I'll spare you and share the highlights:

• Our community of friends knows how to cook. Like really cook. So everyone brought their own dish of awesomeness. Seriously, I did not stick a fork (or finger) into something even mediocre. I would list everything here, but I fear I would miss a dish and then wildly offend the person who made the dish I forgot. And I can't live with that kind of guilt. But it was all delicious.


• A child picking up and drinking about half of a Hurricane--to be fair, it did look like pink deliciousness


• Michael thinking he had swallowed whole the plastic toy inside the King Cake cupcakes; after we had JUST told him there was something inside the cupcake (turns out he didn't, but he's still an idiot)


• A wildly misunderstood question which led to the party members saying "Doggie Style" all evening long


• Knowing full well all my friends spent their evenings (or at least half of one) leading up to the shower surrounded by glitter, sequins, feathers and glue guns (and wine) making Mardi Gras masks for all and the most horrifyingly wonderful King and Queen chalices for Michael and me


• A skateboarding Boston Terrier

How was your baby shower?

Boring, that's what I thought.

[Addition]
I'd love to end on that note, but (a) I know my mother is horrified that we celebrated her granddaughter with a party theme closely associated with exposing boobs, vomiting and waking up in a tub of ice to discover your kidneys have been stolen; and (b) I would really be lying if I didn't share how much I enjoyed some of the more traditional aspects of the shower.

There's the thumbprint tree we get to show The Bean to let her know how many people were excited about her arrival (or who really wanted the Hurricanes at the Mardi Gras party).



There are all the sickeningly cute clothes, blankets and toys we received that I totally oohed and aahed over in the privacy of my own home.

Those two laundry lines of clothes I saw upon arrival? Seriously loved those.

And there was that whole thing about getting to spend time with the people we care about most.

Finally, because I am terrible (and terrified) at making toasts--particularly with my group of friends (they are a critical group when it comes to toasts), here's what I really wanted to say at the shower:

We are so excited to be bringing The Bean into such an awesome group of people. You are all truly incredible and she is going to be the luckiest kid around to be surrounded by each of you. I'm so glad we were able to celebrate together. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.