Wednesday, January 23, 2013

How To Lose a Binky in Ten Seconds (or Less)

Roughly 1 hour and 23 minutes into our careers as parents, it became clear Mr. D-Zo and I were in the "we can just let that slide, right?" camp - quickly abandoning our previous positions in the "we should establish some baseline expectations and try to raise our child properly" camp.

The first breach happened when The Bean was rolled into the hospital room for her first feeding and had a pacifier sticking out of her mouth.

Oh no you didn't! I was NOT, NO WAY, NO HOW going to raise a child who was a binky user.

But then there was all that loud, annoying, inconvenient crying and it happened every time we took the pacifier out of her mouth. And, oh! Praise be to the Lord! How quickly the noises stopped when you shoved it back in.

So the pacifier stayed and we became those parents.

Then The Bean started getting teeth.

Not wanting to be the parents of Piranha Girl, we decided pacifier limitations were in order.

The pacifier was only allowed at bedtime.

And nap time.

And when The Bean was starting to get cranky.

Then we realized toddlers are always cranky. So a pacifier intervention was needed, but Mr. D-Zo and I weren't quite ready.

Me: I asked nicely, but The Bean didn't seem interested in going to bed without the binky.

Mr. D-Zo: I know! I tried to take it, but she started crying. She stopped when I gave it back.

Me: Thank goodness you held your's like she doesn't even care that we're trying to ensure she doesn't have warped redneck teeth, while also maintaining a healthy sleep schedule for ourselves.

Mr. D-Zo: Did you give her a bottle?

Me: Yeah, but she started yelling for the binky when she was done...this is impossible. Let's just reason with her when she's 25.

Mr. D-Zo: Deal.

We were out of ideas.

And just when it looked like the pacifier was to remain a permanent member of the family, fate and a mother's conniving ingenuity saved the day.

You see, Piranha Girl's The Bean's teeth had become quite sharp and one day she bit the nipple clean off.

I'll admit, my first thought was to panic and run out to get a replacement pacifier STAT. But The Bean is my daughter through and through and immediately knew SHE had broken the binky and was besides herself with guilt. I seized the opportunity for us to part ways with her stinky, ratty, teeth derailing best friend.

Guilt and shame: helping parents win for 250,000 years and counting.