Wednesday, June 29, 2011

How to Not Realize You're in Labor (The Birth Story: Part I)

From the first day of this pregnancy I was convinced my doctor had my July 4th due date wrong.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I did what every woman does. I ran to the computer to calculate my due date using a completely unreliable, medically unapproved, free calculator I found through a Google search. This calculator told me my due date would be June 26 and I never looked back.

Certified doctors' predictions be damned. Ultrasound measurements could go to hell. I had my trusty statistically insignificant calculation and, by golly, was I going to hold to that date.

Fast forward to this past weekend. The weekend of *gasp* the 25th and 26th of June.

Let's just say I had a feeling I was going to be going into labor--apart from me being stubborn and wanting to stick to that June 26th date. I woke up Saturday morning with the thought, "If I seriously have to go another week and a half feeling like this, I will kill myself after I kill every person I come into contact with first."

Which was not my usual "eh, pregnancy is not so bad" thought.

I had gone from being uncomfortable pregnant to miserable pregnant overnight. I was losing my mucas plug (which I will politely not discuss here, but feel free to Google image search that crap if you want to throw up) which required me to wear a maxi pad.

The last time I wore a maxi pad was roughly 12 years ago.

And the ones I had on hand were for the bloodbath that apparently follows your labor. So if you picture me stuffing a king-sized mattress down into my panties to capture a slow steady stream of snot, you'll approximate what was happening in my pants.

Figuring my body was re-enacting the 'good 'ol days' in direct response to the maxi pad intruder, I was also having period pains. Let me tell you, I did not miss those these past 9 months.

So to review: losing snot out of my vagina, wearing a mattress and getting my period while 9 months pregnant. Fun!

But since I had fooled everyone into thinking I'm the most awesome pregnant woman ever, I went about my day without complaining. The day included: a massage, some tennis, walking the dogs, doing some additional nursery set-up, heading out for dinner, and so on.

It wasn't until midnight that night, that I started to consider I felt like crap because I was in labor.

Because sometimes awesome pregnant women are also retarded pregnant women.

At midnight, I woke up really uncomfortable with a feeling of having my period and needing to crap--with neither one of those things happening. So, I got out of bed and went to my trusty medical advisor, Google.

"Hey Google, what the hell do contractions feel like anyway?"

Turns out, Jen, they feel like having your period and needing to crap--with neither one of those things happening.


At 1 AM, I decide perhaps I should time when one bout of crappy period pains starts and when the next one starts. Because I really wanted to take a shower before I went to the hospital, but it's sort of important to know how close together contractions are happening.

I had clear instructions from the doctor: Call me when your contractions are 5 minutes apart or if your water has broken.

My contractions were anywhere from 6-9 minutes apart. More than enough time to shower, wake up Michael, pack a bag and call the doctor.

Off I go to the bathroom where I run the water, take off my top, and drop my pants. I get ready to step into the shower when either (a) I peed all over the floor, or (b) my water broke.

Last time I checked, I was housebroken.


I turn the shower off.

I call the doctor and when they call me back I'm told to come into the hospital.

My response, "Can I take a shower first?"

A shower and a haphazardly packed bag later, we were on our way to the hospital at 2:30 in the morning on...

JUNE 26th

Next installment: The power of medical science and learning how to labor on-the-job.

Fell Off the Face of the Earth

Sorry about going MIA...actually, no I'm not. I was busy making this:

Lots more details and stories to come, but I wanted to officially let you all know Ms. Cadence Lynn Dezso (Cadie Lynn) joined us on June 26, 2011 at 5:52 PM.

We're all doing well and recuperating--well, my nipples are just starting their journey into soreness and pain, but that's a story for another day.

We'll be back!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Oh No, She Did Not Go There.....Except I Did.

So here I am in my 15th month of pregnancy.

Two weeks ago, I got to peek inside my womb because my doctor couldn't tell if The Bean was head up or head down and if one wants to squirt humans out of their naughty bits, those being squirted should be head down. (I've just determined squirt can be added to the list of words that upset me.)

You guys...she has her father's head. It was super cute to see the unmistakable resemblance right up until the moment I realized it looked JUST like her father's head. And her father's head is enormous. It might be the same size as his. Right now.

So I started to panic. I haven't stopped yet.

I should've known she was head down because that enormous head is pushing down on parts of mine which would prefer to not be pushed down on 24 hours a day. Parts that were not intended to be pushed on for any extended period of time. Parts that try to escape the pressure when they are so taxed. Parts that...

...guys, my butthole fell out.

Oh sure, this is common for pregnancy. I can't say it was a big surprise. But it's still upsetting when you realize things normally living inside of you are suddenly making their way out.

Sort of like having a baby.

But far less cute.

So please pardon me while I go rub down with witch hazel, take a warm bath and apply an ice pack while balancing on my head to get my butthole back to its rightful place inside my body.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Prioritizing is Important

We are in the final countdown folks. I am considered full-term and can go into labor anytime from right.this.very.second. to 3 months (read: weeks) from now.

Naturally, everything is in a state of complete disarray here and nothing is anywhere near to where it should be. But this isn't another post about all the stuff left to do. You're all pretty aware that The Bean will be living in a dog crate set up in the middle of the room we're calling the nursery, but looks more like my grandmother's attic of treasures (read: crap).

Starting this week, the email bulletins I receive every day have taken on a different tone. Up until now these emails were full of "what your baby is doing today," "what stupid crap pregnant women are usually complaining about at this point" and "here's another superfluous, unnecessary item we're going to insist you own."

This week's emails were all about "RED ALERT: How to know you're about to go into labor."

That grabbed my attention.

I eagerly devoured these emails and discovered I am exhibiting approximately 546 of the 547 symptoms proven (read: in one person somewhere in time) to indicate labor is most assuredly (read: sort of, could be, might be, but probably isn't) imminent.

When you're in the homestretch of pregnancy you begin to grasp at the straws allowing you to believe that this will indeed end soon and sushi, Bloody Marys and turkey sandwiches will soon be back in your life.

So I convinced myself I was most definitely going to go into labor. Yesterday.

Upon coming to this conclusion, I ran into the shower to make myself (ahem) more presentable for labor. After an hour of shaving, trimming, bending in ways most unflattering, scrubbing and general soaping of everything, I emerged a new woman.

Because when one thinks they're about to go into labor, grooming should always be priority number 1.

Not putting together a bag of things to bring to the hospital. Not ordering crib bedding for the child to sleep on. Not vacuuming or cleaning the house covered in a fine film of dust and dog hair.

Nope. Grooming an area that will most assuredly be blown to smithereens and soon resemble a war zone. THAT is priority number 1.

[Editor's note: I am still sitting at home with zero indication that I will go into labor in the near future. I am, in fact, quite aware I have just ensured I won't go into labor until late August.]

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


So, here I am today (sans makeup and any sort of hair styling--don't judge, you're lucky I got out of my pajamas):

Yes, I believe I have officially set the world record for largest boobs in the history of ever.

I am 36 weeks and some odd days into this pregnancy which means I am days away from being considered full-term. Good thing that's not a wildly horrifying and fear-inducing thought and doesn't set off the crazy monsters who live in my head.

So, I'm just a touch pregnant.

For the most part, there are pretty simple workarounds for dealing with the enormous growths taking over my (or what used to be my) body. Need to put on shoes? Easy enough, if you sit down and swing your legs up to the side. Drop something on the floor? No worries, it can live there until the baby is born.

But there is one activity which I MUST do every week and the workaround leaves a lot to be desired. So I welcome all thoughts and suggestions.

Each and every doctor's appointment from the onset of this pregnancy includes peeing in a cup.

Which is no problem when you don't have an unmovable mass of squirmy child sitting on your lap.

Figure 1:

But that's no longer the case. Now my arms no longer can make the trip to collect this weekly specimen using the usual path.

Figure 2:

Not a big problem because you can just go in from the side. Except. Well, it's a little difficult to see what's going on down below these days. I want you to go to the bathroom and close your eyes and attempt to pee into a Dixie cup.

How's that cup-holding hand doing?

Figure 3:

So, you have to get creative on how to make this all work. And can I tell you, that creative + pregnancy does not equal pretty?

Figure 4:

I'm turning to you interwebs. How do we perform this feat without (1) ending up with pee hands, (2) needing to perform advanced yoga moves, or (3) endangering myself or The Bean?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Sugar Rush

I like to think of myself as a pretty mellow mother-to-be.

No big worries, no anxiety meltdowns, no massive fears. Just bopping along this whole pregnancy road and waiting for the next stage.

But, like any human, I am not immune to the occasional passing thought of "what if I somehow screwed all this up."

Every morning for the past two months or so, I've been having hot chocolate while Michael enjoys his coffee.

A delicious treat to enjoy and set the day off right, you might be thinking to yourself.

And you'd be wrong.

It's my sneaky way to give The Bean a sugar rush first thing in the morning so she starts kicking me and I can rest assured I did not somehow sleep on my stomach all night long and kill her while I slept.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Remember When Everything Was Awesome?

Despite my best efforts, pregnancy has hit me square in the face. I guess at nine months pregnant, it was about time and I should just shut up about it already.

As you may have noticed my posting has become less consistent. Well I assure you it's because lots has been going on around these parts. And by lots, I naturally mean nothing baby-related and tons of dealing with three dogs who seem to be on a weekly rotation of emergency vet visits.

Side note: The next person to tell me how different life will be once I have a kid is going to get metal spikes shoved up their nostrils. We're just adding a new face to the crowd of mammals in this house who are wildly helpless and demand my attention every minute of the day.

Where was I?

Oh right, the joys of Pregnancy: Month Nine. Since I'm all about making this blog interactive, I've made a little quiz for you. Below are some statements and all you need to do is decide if the statement is true or false. I sure hope you're keeping up with all the nuances of this game.

I'll put the answers right next to the question, because I hate having to scroll back and forth to see if I got it right.

We got the nursery finished!

We got all the crap out of the nursery and are just waiting to get a few more pieces of furniture and stuff on the walls!

We at least got the nursery painting finished!

The nursery is a complete disaster and walking in there makes me break out in hives!

My cute little toes and feet have been replaced by Fred Flintstone's.

I planned every meal this week around what I wanted for dessert.

I start each morning walking like a human and end the day waddling like a duck. You know, when I'm not doubled over in pain from a child sitting squarely on the piece of me that apparently houses every nerve ending in my body.

In the time it took me to type out the last three statements, I inhaled a bowl of strawberries and whipped cream.

I learned how to install a car seat. weren't expecting that one, were you?

I took a 'preparing for labor' class.

I watched 4 movies this weekend and barely left the couch.

It has been in the HUNDREDS the past 2 days.

In two days, we are officially 1 month away from our due date.
True...holy crap!