I know there's a lot of real, actually important things going on in the world today. So you should totally go catch up on that first. But if you're like me and was up until midnight last night watching the news, you're ready for a brain drain or to lose your mind entirely.
You can keep reading.
Last night at around 10, Ginger (seen to our right here) began randomly squeaking out whimpers. I've determined it's from lack of eating turds--an unfortunate obsession of hers.
I've been monitoring her like I work for the CIA division of Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever poop terrorism. No more cat toostie rolls for her and her snickity-snacks in the backyard are a thing of the past. I've been on patrol.
Since she is a conniving, vindictive dog, she is clearly taking out her anger on us, by letting out random cries that sound painful, but after intense investigation have no cause (she can still run up and down stairs to hunt turds, jump in and out of the bathtub we forbid her to sleep in and beat up the other dogs--all with no cries).
She's been known to do this in the past. So try not to judge me for being entirely heartless (though you'd be right).
This has caused great concern to one of the other dogs, Baxter (the golden child who can do no wrong).
Baxter expresses his concern the only way a dog knows how; by panting and pacing around the house. Incessantly.
So to recap: one dog randomly crying out for no reason other than being a butthole. Another dog wandering in circles and panting.
When one works from home, this could possibly drive a person insane to the point of wanting to buy a gun to commit the first double dogicide-suicide in history (maybe...I didn't actually fact check that).
After losing my mind and screaming for everyone to chill the heck out (I may have used different terminology at the time), I decided it was high time to practice my parenting skills which will be called upon in the near future.
Everyone is locked up in a separate room and Mama has a homemade lemonade.
Which is exactly how I think I'll handle things when The Bean is crushing my last nerve.