Month One

I was expecting this, but can now officially confirm: The first month of parenthood is exhilarating in a wildly boring way.

Even the scores of books, newsletters and baby websites I read to ensure we are raising a genius baby put me to sleep.

"This week your baby will sleep for 19 hours a day and might make noises in their sleep. Enjoy!"


Clearly, the baby books never met Michael.

Michael, bless his heart (yes, I mean that in the Southern way), is incapable of letting The Bean sleep when he is around.

As we know, stereotypes are created for a reason. It's safe to say we have a "Daddy's Little Girl" on our hands. I have officially moved down to the number three spot of "living things Michael loves." I fall behind The Bean and Baxter (our black lab). He is so smitten, he insists on waking The Bean up every time he sees her so the two of them can gaze adoringly at one another.

Well, until this week he would stare adoringly at her and she would stare blankly at the world around her while pooping with all the force, sounds and smells of a 68-year old truck driver who lives solely on three bean chili and cabbage. But even that's endearing because infants tend to smile when they're blowing ass. And smiling babies make your heart explode into unicorns and brownies topped with salted caramel ice cream.

But one of The Bean's tricks as we round out this first month is staring back.

So we spend a lot of time in the D-Zo household staring. Michael and I stare at The Bean wondering aloud how we managed to make such a cute child and she stares at us wondering if we're going to get any better at being parents and how she got stuck with such imbeciles.


That about sums up The Bean's list of tricks. That one item.

I nearly expanded the list to two items, but squawking like a wounded goose and breaking free of every swaddle in order to waves one's arms around like a drunken airplane signal controller are less tricks and more wildly annoying things keeping everyone up at night.

My list of tricks at one month post pregnancy is also one deep. I grew EVEN LARGER BOOBS THAN BEFORE. They are bigger than The Bean.

I alone will solve world hunger.

Despite the lack of exciting marketable skills The Bean has developed at this point, we're going to keep her around for at least another month. She seems to like me well enough (as evidenced by her tendency to stop screaming when I pick her up) and that's a quality I really value in a child.