You may have noticed I've been missing lately.
Despite what you may believe, this has nothing to do with with the trials and tribulations of becoming a new mom. Instead, it has everything to do with the trials and tribulations of becoming not pregnant.
As many of you know, I flew under the radar for my entire pregnancy. My biggest complaint being my hips hurt sometimes.
Well apparently once one actually gives birth, the secret society dedicated to protecting the integrity of women takes notice and in my case they said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. We can't have this one going around telling everyone pregnancy is a breeze. It gives the rest of us a bad name."
And so I've been in a shit storm since June 27th.
I promise to finish up the actual birth story at some point, but I wanted to let you all know what is going on.
Here's the Reader's Digest version:
Two days after giving birth, my blood pressure spiked to some scary levels...and not because I was obsessing over whether or not I would ever be able to poop again.
After two days of consults with specialists, a battery of tests and general poking and prodding, it was determined one of my kidneys was enlarged because Miss Bean had been using my urethra as a jump rope for her boot camp workouts in the womb.
The general consensus is my organs will sort themselves out and I will likely live until next week at the least.
Just around the time we were solving my issues, The Bean decided to be cutting-edge and make yellow the new pink in baby skin color trends (also known as developing jaundice). So she spent a lot of time being disco super fly:
Naturally, this wasn't all as straightforward as I'm making it sound.
While the medical gurus were trying to figure out my issues, The Bean was discharged from the hospital. As in, no longer their patient. But I still was. And I'm breastfeeding. Luckily the nurses and doctors working with me were beyond awesome and we had The Bean stay with me while they figured out my problems (it may or may not have helped having a total post-pregnancy hormonal meltdown).
Then (!) as we finally got myself sorted out, The Bean developed jaundice and was readmitted into the hospital. Which would be awesome, if I hadn't been discharged.
Once again, the nurses and doctors went above and beyond and managed to get The Bean and I both discharged as long as we came into the hospital on a daily basis for jaundice level tests.
So a week after giving birth, we BOTH finally get discharged from the hospital. Which had its own issues including me and The Bean getting into the wheelchair to escape only to be told she couldn't leave...TWICE.
This is the part where things basically level off for us. We get into a mini-routine of hospital day trips, wrapping The Bean in her disco light blanket at home and getting used to being around one another.
Oh yes, there's an except.
Michael got sick. So he's practically incapacitated and we need to sterilize the entire house with bleach. Which is tons of fun when one is recuperating from a c-section (we'll get to that when I resume the birth story).
The moral of the story: Being pregnant=awesome. Being not pregnant=suck fest.