Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dogs and Babies

In part 2 of my practical How-To series, I have provided a detailed account of how to take your baby and dogs for a walk at the same time without having to blow your brains out by the end of the excursion.

43% of our family is comprised of canine members.

Since I haven't properly introduced everyone here on the blog yet, let me take a few minutes to do so.

I'll get the bad news over with first.


Don't be fooled by her pathetic, forlorn 1,000-yard stare. This dog is the bane of our existence. Mainly because her natural state looks something more like this:

Why yes, that is a giant turd hanging out of her mouth; thank you for asking.

This turd burglar needs constant monitoring else you will find her with her head in the cat box or scavenging for delicacies outside. Hers, other dogs', she's not picky.

Apart from eating so much shit that she has put on about 10 pounds in the last week, she also tries to steal the other dogs' food while her bowl is full, freaks out to the point of major destruction on our house during thunderstorms (yes, we've tried everything...she is just a crazy old dog that will not be comforted by drugs, weird thunderstorm blankets or being hit in the head repeatedly with a brick), is a bottomless pit of need and is a general butt hole--so at least she has that going for her.

But like that weird uncle you have, she's family and we're stuck with her until the bitter end. She's about 14 years old and will outlive everyone in the family just to spite us all. She is that hateful.

Let's move on.


Baxter is the golden child who can do no wrong. Look, we know parents aren't supposed to have favorites, but it's hard not to when you have a Baxter in your midst.

Baxter is the king of cuddles. If cuddling was an Olympic sport he would be the undisputed gold medal champion.

Baxter is a live and let live kind of guy whose reasons for existence include playing ball, swimming in lakes and did I mention the cuddling?

Finally to round out the dog troop, we have Bear:

Bear is a mama's boy.

Bear's main contribution to this family is barking.

Everyone asks how the dogs have handled having The Bean added to our family. For the most part, the dogs have been wildly unimpressed with The Bean's arrival.

Ginger continues to eat poop with wild abandon. We must throw all of the poopy diapers into a lidded garbage can and get it out of the house as quickly as possible lest we add another flavor to her culinary poop tour.

Baxter has always been a sensitive guy. He was the hardest hit by The Bean's arrival since we cannot shower him with love and affection 24 hours a day like he was accustomed to receiving. The arrival of The Bean has turned him into a petulant teenager because he's not getting all the attention.

And Bear still barks.

We attempted a group outing one day while I was in the throes of a guilt-ridden hormonal meltdown. The dogs hadn't been on a proper walk since The Bean had come home and their antsy following me from room to room was driving me up the wall.

In an effort to not kill everyone in the house, I packed us up. Three dogs on leashes, one Bean in a stroller and me in my sneakers.

We made it three feet from the front door.

In that time, I had hit each of the dogs twice with the stroller. The leashes were wrapped around the wheels of the stroller making it impossible to move forward. And I was stuck between the leashes and the stroller.

How To Walk Three Dogs with a Stroller

Step 1: Leave all nasty shit-eaters at home.

How To Walk Two Dogs with a Stroller

Step 1: Place a leash in each hand and position one dog on each side of the stroller. (see Exhibit A)

Step 2: Take one step and be unable to progress further. (See Exhibit B)

Step 3: Untangle leashes, self and stroller and reposition as explained in Step 1.

Step 4: Take four steps and crash stroller into black dog at least 4 times.

Step 5: Be assertive and refuse to stop walking just because black dog cannot figure out how to get out of the way of the stroller. Dogs are smart; he will learn to stay on one side of the stroller and not directly in front of it.

Step 6: Walk 100 feet with assertive attitude explained in Step 5. Hit black dog with stroller 100 more times.

Step 7: Retrace steps back to front door.

Step 8: Hit black dog with stroller 110 more times.

Step 9: Leave black dog at home.

How To Walk One Dog with a Stroller

Step 1: Put mama's boy on a leash and position next to the stroller. (See Exhibit A.2)

Step 2: Walk 100 feet towards park; hit white dog with stroller 100 times.

Step 3: Shorten leash to 3 inches long, making it impossible for brain dead dogs to walk in front of the stroller while it is being pushed. (See Exhibit B.2)

Step 4: Walk 100 feet and nearly trip in disbelief that you managed to walk 100 feet without hitting a dog.

Step 5: Stop to chat with people who can't resist a new baby being walked in the park.

Step 6: Pry enormous white dog who vigilantly protects his family off of terrified person.

Step 7: Speed walk through park and avoid coming into contact with any further humans.

Step 8: Arrive home, vow never to walk the dogs again and take a nap.

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