Naturally, The Bean is fine or else I wouldn't be posting this in quite as cavalier an attitude.
She is fine because there is one little detail you need to know: We don't co-sleep.
The above is a representation of what my sleep-deprived brain concocted in the midst of a vivid dream.
So what actually was happening in the bed was this:
One second later, I punched Michael square in the face.
Which happened to coincide exactly with the moment I woke up and realized what had happened.
A very confused and slightly bruised Michael asked what was going on. For some reason he seemed stunned by his knuckle sandwich wake-up call.
Embarrassed, I told him to mind his own business and go back to sleep.
Which, also being a sleep deprived parent, he did.