Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Much Like Being God, But I Need a Video Camera and a Memory

When Michael and I bought our house, we knew we wanted to replace the soaking tub in the master bath with a jetted tub. Because hot water being forcefully sprayed all over your body while the room noisily shakes is relaxing.

The day the install was finished I found out I was pregnant and was petrified I would cook my baby by sitting in a tub. So I immediately didn't use the tub for 10 months. And now that I'm a mother, all my free time is spent...hahahaha...I can't even come up with anything plausible. Free time. God, that's funny.

But tonight I was determined to take a hot bath. Mainly because I also decided tonight I would start working out again and I was hoping the bath would help alleviate the inevitable pain from finally using my muscles for something other than lifting cheese to my mouth.

I was all set up. Bubbles, glass of ice water, crossword puzzle, iPhone and the baby monitor.

I slipped into the bath and, naturally, the noise sensor on the monitor immediately flew into the red zone. I hit the button to turn on the video so I could ensure The Bean wasn't base jumping out of her crib or being eaten by a herd of disgruntled turtles.

It was far worse.

The binky had fallen out of her mouth - and she couldn't find it.

The Bean has been really good about putting the binky back in her mouth. It was part of sleep training. If she wanted the binky, she needed to learn how to use it herself because I wasn't about to be her binky-putting-in-the-mouth bitch.

But tonight the binky was eluding her.

It was like watching a horror movie and rooting on the main character, "Oh my God, the gun is right there. It's right under the table. If you just bend down, you'll see it and can kill the psychotic maniac who wants to eat your earlobes...OH NO! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS BEND DOWN."

But much like the earlobe-less heroine, The Bean could not hear my urging and she was getting desperate.

I reluctantly got out of my bath, donned some slippers and a robe and, like the hand of God, retrieved the binky from its hiding place and placed it in her mouth.

She immediately fell asleep.

I headed back to the bath, but remembered I needed to get the trash cans off the curb lest my neighbors start talking because you know how much people care about that sort of thing. So out I went to get those puppies before photos of my house and trashcans showed up on the internet.

Then I remembered I needed to get The Bean's diapers in the washing machine, then there were the bottles that needed cleaning and then...

I forgot I had been taking a bath until about a hour later and wondered why exactly I was in a robe and not my pajamas.

Free time fail.


Nicole J @ Pampers and Pumps said...

Your illustrations are the BEST!

Kathleen Summers said...

Heh heh, I agree about the illustrations. Love the base jumping bit too.

You're a riot! Wish you would post every day! :)

Mrs. D-Zo said...

Aw shucks...thanks ladies.

humanmama said...

Oh, yes. I know that so well. "And when I got back to the bath, lo, it was ice cold, so I had my kidney removed to I could still sit in it and it was a valuable waste of my time." Sorry, I hear we can bathe again when they're like 35.