We won't discuss how I gave my first client presentation in years and because of that it sounded more like I was auditioning for the role of the next auctioneer on Storage Wars and not informing people on the importance of being value-oriented.
We won't discuss how I became disillusioned and thought bringing The Bean to happy hour would be a perfectly fine, easy thing to do so I could catch up with friends I hadn't seen in WAY too long. It was neither happy nor an hour.
We won't discuss how we discovered The Bean is allergic to tomatoes.
We won't discuss any of these things because we have something way more important to discuss.
On Sunday we went to a birthday party for a(n?) one-year old and these were the party favors.
I tentatively pulled one out of the basket and looked across the room for Michael. I caught his eye and displayed the "magic wand" for him with my eyebrows cocked. The grin which spread across his face assured me I wasn't the only person in the room wondering if this favor wasn't better suited for a Vegas-themed bachelorette party.
But naturally, none of the other parents seemed alarmed that the hosts were handing out massive dildo-shaped items to children. And this was a fairly conservative crowd, so I had to inspect further.
Aha! A bubble wand.
Now any parent knows (and if you don't, you're welcome for the tip you're about to receive) that bubbles immediately make you a magician in your child's eyes. Blowing bubbles is usually good for at least 10 minutes of stunned silence, followed by 5 minutes of intense joy, quickly stopped by a bubble popping in your child's eye, followed by 2 minutes of screaming.
But those 15 minutes of quiet joy are totally worth it.
We got home from the party and Michael had to head into the office. So I broke out the bubble wand and got to work.
This things blows about 300 bubbles at once. It's intense. If you don't have one, go buy one. Google "Bubble Wands" and be on your way to child sensory overload.
And that's how on Sunday evening the following sentence flew through space from my phone to my husband's:
"I just leveled up. The bubble dildo upgraded me from magician to sorcerer."