Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Are You Doing It Right?

I'm pretty big about making confessions here. There was the "I hate shopping" confession, the "I love reality, crap TV" confession and probably a few others that I can't be bothered to find right now.

But you're going to have to sit down because this might be the biggest one yet.

I've only seen 2 (MAYBE 3) episodes of Oprah. Ever.

Yes, I promise I'm a woman.

I dig her messages, but the way she preaches makes me want to tear my face off and wear it as a hat. [Except when she does episodes on eating local, sustainable food because we all know that is even more important than having enough ice cream in the freezer--which is really, really important these days.]

Despite having not seen an episode (except for the Michael Pollen one) in the past 12 years, she has managed to form scar tissue in my brain and I can't help but think of her every single time I put on a pair of shoes.

I can't quite remember what the episode was about; something like making fun of people who don't do things the Oprah way or uncovering what people's habits said about them. Regardless, the segment forever emblazoned in my mind was about the order people put on their socks and shoes.

It's quite simple. You're either a sock-sock, then shoe-shoe person or a sock-shoe, then sock-shoe person.

And there was a big discussion on this. Most people are sock-sock, then shoe-shoe people and the prevailing argument was "If there's a fire, I'd rather run outside with two socks on and no shoes than one sock and a shoe on my left foot and nothing on the right."

Solid, logical thinking in my book since I, myself, was a sock-sock, then shoe-shoe person. [My underlying reasoning stemming from a deeper psychosis of wanting things to be in equilibrium at all times and a sock and shoe on one foot, with nothing on the other clearly would spell impending doom for the planet.]

At the time when I watched this episode (over a billionty years ago), the crazy sock-shoe, then sock-shoe people were discussing how much more efficient it is their way. Then (I may be making this part up because I tend to do that when I get excited about things), there was even a race to see which method got both socks and shoes on quicker. The sock-shoe people won. But I wasn't to be deterred since I was saving the Earth from certain destruction by doing it the sock-sock, then shoe-shoe way.

Ready for my new catchphrase?

That was back in my non-pregnant days.

Two confessions in one post (lucky dogs): I am now a sock-shoe, then sock-shoe person.


So all the bad crap that's been going down in the world lately...that's all my fault. All because the sock-shoe, then sock-shoe method means I only have to bend over twice instead of 4 times. Go ahead, try it. You'll see.

And when someone is punching you from INSIDE your stomach every time you bend over, you learn new ways of doing things.

Even if it means Oprah is totally going to make fun of you.


Anonymous said...

I can honestly admit I've never seen an episode of Oprah. The only time I've ever caught a few minutes of her show is when I'm sitting in the waiting room at the doctors office.

Jason said...

Sounds like you should check out what it takes to become a flipflop-flipflop person.