Friday, March 18, 2011

An Open Letter

Dear Sir at Whole Foods,

Just because your wife is also in my "position;" actually let's stop there for a moment, shall we? I am not in a "position," "condition," "situation" or any other such word. I am pregnant.

Last I checked, this word was perfectly acceptable to say in mixed company. If you don't want me to shoot laser daggers into your brain with my thoughts, I suggest you refrain from equating my pregnancy with a terminal medical issue.

Moving on.

Just because your wife is also PREGNANT, you do not have the right to come up and interrupt my ice cream fairy tale dream. There I was in front of the ice cream freezers gleefully imagining how glorious that first bite of Rocky Road ice cream was going to taste. I was about to swan dive into a pool of chocolate, marshmallows and peanut-y goodness when you butted your big, fat nose in my business with "You should go buy a Vita-Mix blender and make your own ice cream. It's so easy and a lot healthier too."

I put up with you when you told me how I could make yogurt and fruit ice cream ('s called frozen yogurt, but you're clearly an idiot). Then when you started in on how home-made ice cream has less fat and sugar, I politely nodded and walked away from the ice cream aisle--ice creamLESS because you made me feel bad about feeding The Bean chocolate instead of fruit sorbet.

But I want you to know, I still hate you and here's what I should've said:

Hey @sshole. First off, I'll have you know I already own the Vita-Mix blender because I have an awesome husband who buys me ridiculously expensive kitchen gadgets so I can make our baby food when the time comes (and he gets awesome meals in the meantime).

AND I will have you makes piss poor ice cream.

Want to know how I know?

Because I already make my own ice cream and it's LA BOMBA! I make a Mexican Chocolate Mole ice cream that would make you cry it's so good.

But you know what else? I'm freakin' pregnant and tired because I'm all sorts of busy working, food shopping and growing a baby and if I feel like buying a pint of Haagen-Dazs maybe you should just back off and save the preaching for when you're six months pregnant and churning ice cream in your kitchen. I might consider listening to you at that point.

I eat ice cream maybe four times a year. Sure, I eat it a little more often now that I'm the host body for a sugar fanatic, but I still have only eaten one pint of ice cream this entire pregnancy (six months of it). So if I want to buy a pre-made ice cream because it's PRE-MADE, maybe you should mind your business and let the pregnant lady do what she wants.

I only wish your PREGNANT wife was there to witness this because I'm pretty sure she would've slapped you upside the head and started calling you some unseemly names in the middle of the store. She probably wants to right now anyway since you're going to go home and have her make someone in your "condition" (read: stupid) some ice cream.

If there's one rule when talking with a pregnant woman--and in particular one you don't know--it's NEVER tell her what she should and shouldn't be eating. You could seriously lose your manhood pulling that kind of stunt.

Up yours,
Mrs. D-Zo

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