Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Hippie Membership Cancelled

Dear Breastfeeding,

Suck it (pun totally intended...unless it wasn't funny).

Hearts and sparkles,
Mrs. D-Zo

Look, I'm not a touchy-feely person. In fact, I'm the awkward person you meet who never goes in for the hug. I have to know someone an average of 25 years to feel comfortable hugging them. You could be coming at me with wide open arms and I will place my hand shaker firmly in position. Because hugging is confining and what are you doing behind my back anyway Marcus Brutus?

Cuddling? There is a reason the bed is this big. Get on your side unless you want to be shanked.

During The Bean's Vomitpalooza last week we had to use a bottle so I could regulate how much milk she was getting at each feeding. More than 1.5 ounces and the boob juice would gush forth...from her. So we pumped, we measured, we fed, we didn't throw up.

What I'm about to say will oust me from the Hippie Mom Club for life.

I didn't miss breastfeeding for one second. Not a one.

The Bean has inherited my aloofness and her father's desire to not.miss.anything.ever.or.I.might.die. So breastfeeding for us is not this dreamy bonding time where we are surrounded by flying fairies, singing squirrels and dancing cupcakes. There are no snuggles, coy gurgles or shared secrets.

It's a business transaction. Boob. Milk. Make it happen.

In fact, I find it downright intrusive, especially since The Bean has a new found fondness for swinging from my nose hairs, or eyelids, or whatever else she can grasp with her shockingly strong grip.

This past week was liberating.

I'm sure mothers around the world are gasping, but it's the truth. And if I feel this way, there is bound to be one other mother out there ready to pull her hair out strand by strand because she is tethered to whipping her boobs out every two hours for someone who doesn't even have the courtesy to check my schedule for important events like conference calls, eating chocolate or contemplating if potato chips would indeed make the best hot dog topping.

It's empowering being able to whip your boobs out on your schedule.

Now unbunch your panties. She still gets breast milk only (I haven't let go of all my hippie tendencies) and we still feed straight from the hose in the morning and evenings, but we are using the bottle more and more.

My name is Mrs. D-Zo and I do not enjoy breastfeeding. Bite me.

10 comments:

mmk5304 said...

You go girl!!!!

Do what works for you and eff everyone else and their opinions!!!

(Cutie patootie baby pic too!!!)

Nicole J @ Pampers & Pumps said...

Ha! Breastfeeding isn't always fun. B getsa bottle half the time. I do nurse him most of the time that I'm home with him but I've reached for bottle myself. It's so much easier and anyone can feed him. Whatever works for you and Bean I say do it!

The celbrity guest questions can be found at the very bottom of my blog click on the link and it'll explain everything. Thanks!

Amy E said...

haha, that's so great. And I love the pic! We're half and half - half boobs, half formula.

Ink Spiller said...

Only liars say they enjoy breastfeeding.

There! I said it!

Now I will be killed by the breastfeeding Nazis but at least I told the truth. There's some comfort in that.

Mrs. D-Zo said...

mmk - My thoughts exactly. The Bean and I are more likely to have sparkly cupcake moments while quietly judging others on the playground. We'll savor those.

Nicole - I must admit. My ease is what's driving this. And considering all the other changes we've made for little miss...I'm taking this one.

Mrs. D-Zo said...

Amy - Thanks! She's all, I'll cut you if you take my bottle. We tried formula once and The Bean was so perplexed that she never got past two sips.

Ink Spiller - You and I can hide in the bunker together. The milk Nazis are nasty folks. Right up there with the co-sleeping Nazis, baby wearing Nazies and...well..regular Nazis.

Dana Strange said...

FINALLY someone says what I've always wanted to say on this topic! I bottle fed the first two and breast fed the youngest. I quickly figured out I'd rather go live in a barn with the milking cows and stainless steel equipment. Bonding, my ASS!

I'm all for either method, as long as it makes Mommy happy. The primary requirement for baby is nutrition. That can be accomplished without enduring sore, naked nipples 24/7. Do what works for you. Screw all those touchy, feely, huggy types who can't bond without sharing their microbes!

Mrs. D-Zo said...

I knew there were others!!! I hear you on the farm thing...of course, it doesn't help that my husband walks in mooing every time we're feeding...huh, beginning to think this may have something to do with it...

Funsucker Extraordinaire said...

I loved breastfeeding but only because I could do it in my sleep and I didn't have to wash bottles. I have a post all about it. You are frickin' hilarious gurl!

humanmama said...

don't feel judged. It's so hard, and SOOO intrusive. Way to be honest--I didn't like it either. (Note: I also HATED buying formula. Oh, $30 can, I loathe you.)