Tuesday, November 29, 2011

We Need to Talk

It's time someone blew the cover off the greatest conspiracy of all time: Parenthood.

I'm not sure when all the parents in the world got together and decided to become a gang of lying bastards. Misery really does enjoy company, doesn't it? That is the only explanation for why people I know and trust would lie blatantly to my face.

Despite my sky-high levels of skepticism regarding parenthood and platitudes, I blindly believed the following statements. Because they are the only explanation for why people actually CHOOSE to have children. Now that I've discovered everyone's a lying scoundrel, I can't make heads or tails out of deliberate procreation.
  • It's different when it's your own child
 No...it really isn't. A scream is a scream is a scream. Five straight hours of screaming is not music when produced by your own child.
  • Relish every moment; the time flies
I'm reminded of this scene from The Jerk...officially we're on day 156, but it feels more like day 344,349.
  • After 4 months, everything gets so much better
We're on month 5 and I'm pretty sure the one I got is broken. Or else she's really bad at being 5 months old. Maybe I need to let her go? But that's awkward around the holidays.
  • The good moments make you forget all about the bad ones
The good moments are why the child survives past 9 months old. You don't forget the bad moments. When The Bean turns 16 and starts sassing me, I plan on waking her up every 2 hours for 5 months straight so we can have some milk. Or maybe I'll just scratch at her face for a few hours because it makes me feel better.
  • It's a phase
But OH! how you forgot to mention that it's a phase followed by another phase, then another, and another.

This post was brought to you by Sleep Training Day 1. A wildly unsuccessful program which makes all parents question why they decided to throw their lives into complete upheaval by having children just when they were getting the hang of mature adulthood.


Pamela D. Hart said...

I've been told that I SAY what others think. So it's refreshing to find someone else like me!

As for your post...just loved it! NO, it is NOT different when it's your own child...because a scream is a scream especially at 2am!

I think I might start crying and screaming for NO reason...my 14 yr old would just love that! He was colicky.

Tim said...

Jenn, I like your writing, but it's starting to scare me. Like really bad.

Mrs. D-Zo said...

Tim - tomorrow I plan on providing the counterpoint since there are some great parts too...in unexpected areas. So stay tuned (and find an awesome child care provider so you can escape).

Mrs. D-Zo said...

Pamela - colic too? I would've killed myself by now. But yes, lots of people don't talk about how tough it really is. Just because seemingly anyone can become a parent and lots of people have - doesn't mean it's easy to get through.

humanmama said...

It IS a phase, and it only lasts for 30 years. You'll get through it. :) Also, how would you let her go? That's my favorite line. I'm still laughing. "It's not you: it's me."

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