Hippie Membership Cancelled

Dear Breastfeeding,

Suck it (pun totally intended...unless it wasn't funny).

Hearts and sparkles,
Mrs. D-Zo

Look, I'm not a touchy-feely person. In fact, I'm the awkward person you meet who never goes in for the hug. I have to know someone an average of 25 years to feel comfortable hugging them. You could be coming at me with wide open arms and I will place my hand shaker firmly in position. Because hugging is confining and what are you doing behind my back anyway Marcus Brutus?

Cuddling? There is a reason the bed is this big. Get on your side unless you want to be shanked.

During The Bean's Vomitpalooza last week we had to use a bottle so I could regulate how much milk she was getting at each feeding. More than 1.5 ounces and the boob juice would gush forth...from her. So we pumped, we measured, we fed, we didn't throw up.

What I'm about to say will oust me from the Hippie Mom Club for life.

I didn't miss breastfeeding for one second. Not a one.

The Bean has inherited my aloofness and her father's desire to not.miss.anything.ever.or.I.might.die. So breastfeeding for us is not this dreamy bonding time where we are surrounded by flying fairies, singing squirrels and dancing cupcakes. There are no snuggles, coy gurgles or shared secrets.

It's a business transaction. Boob. Milk. Make it happen.

In fact, I find it downright intrusive, especially since The Bean has a new found fondness for swinging from my nose hairs, or eyelids, or whatever else she can grasp with her shockingly strong grip.

This past week was liberating.

I'm sure mothers around the world are gasping, but it's the truth. And if I feel this way, there is bound to be one other mother out there ready to pull her hair out strand by strand because she is tethered to whipping her boobs out every two hours for someone who doesn't even have the courtesy to check my schedule for important events like conference calls, eating chocolate or contemplating if potato chips would indeed make the best hot dog topping.

It's empowering being able to whip your boobs out on your schedule.

Now unbunch your panties. She still gets breast milk only (I haven't let go of all my hippie tendencies) and we still feed straight from the hose in the morning and evenings, but we are using the bottle more and more.

My name is Mrs. D-Zo and I do not enjoy breastfeeding. Bite me.

Hold On To Your Foreheads. The Mind Blowing Is About To Commence.

Shut. Up.

You guys.

Oh my lordy, you guys.

I thought I was being a good little hippie. Boy, do I have a lot to learn! I had no idea how dedicated some of you can be.

I mean, wow.

Elimination Communication. Discuss...

OK, I'll discuss.

My friend mentioned this concept to me on the phone yesterday and before she started her next sentence, I was consulting Dr. Googles.

Mrs. D-Zo: Dr. Googles, is it true that people are out there potty training their children before they are six months old?

Dr. Googles: Yes!

Mrs. D-Zo: Did you read my query correctly? That said six MONTHS old.

Dr. Googles: I don't make mistakes, Mrs. D-Zo. You can read all about it here and here.

Mrs. D-Zo: Um, I don't mean to criticize, but have you read these articles? Some of these tips and techniques leave a lot to be desired...

"To prepare your child's environment, you'll just need to buy very small underwear (doll underwear can work)..."

"Using a container, such as a mixing bowl, keep the child diaperless..."

"Visit the Toilet Place Often"

"Signs which indicate he is about to urinate or have a bowel movement: crying or fussiness, grunting, squinting, kicking legs, squirming..."

Mrs. D-Zo: Explain yourself!

Dr. Googles: These are the facts.

Mrs. D-Zo: You are useless.

One of the biggest drawbacks to working from home is not having the ability to run into someone else's office with earth-shattering news and derail an entire workday with endless discussions on topics about which you know nothing.

So, I did the next best thing and jumped on IM.

Mrs. D-Zo: Holy crap, hippie co-worker!!!! You are never going to believe what I just learned! Seriously, brace yourself.

Hippie Co-worker (HCW): Aren't you supposed to be writing that report we're releasing next week?

Mrs. D-Zo: This is way more important than making money.

HCW: Thankfully you have your priorities straight.

Mrs. D-Zo: Stay focused. Elimination communication. Ready? Set? Go...

HCW: Oh yeah. Pretty intense, huh?

Mrs. D-Zo: WAIT! You KNEW about this insanity?

HCW: I was going to do it. I started it. But when Baby HCW was 1-week old and I was holding him over the sink to pee, I realized it wasn't my thing.

Now, I know I'm not supposed to judge other parents and if things work for you that's fabulous. BUT.

It wasn't that long ago that The Bean was a newborn. The memories are still sharp. Our days went something like this: Eat, Pee, Sleep, Pee, Stare, Poop, Pee, Eat, Pee, Poop, Pee, Sleep, Pee...you get the point. If on top of everything else, I had to run to the bathroom (or my mixing bowl) every time I thought The Bean was going to "eliminate," I'd still be sitting in there.

I can even get behind this concept until I am reminded that my child won't actually be able to WALK until they are about 12 months old.

So...who is potty training who?

Wearing Flowers in My Hair

It's been awhile since I've gone around tearing new assholes for those who stomp on my dreams of pregnancy (and now parental) bliss. You remember the ice cream guy, right?

Shall we...?

Oh yes, we shall.

Ahem.

Dear Haters,

I thought once I popped out The Bean, I would be free of you "Just you wait; once the baby comes along you'll see how it really is" idiots. Alas, you apparently have a little book full of phrases to imply your superiority, cast thinly veiled judgments and just generally piss me off.

"Just you wait" has been replaced with "Oh, that won't last" and...oh right...you STILL use "Just you wait!!" Now it's followed by "Just you wait until she [insert some major milestone here]."

You pry into potentially hot-button issues for the sole purpose of whipping out one of your trusty phrases. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, day care...you run through the list until you hit the one where you think you have the most leverage.

Admittedly, I am an easy target. Not only am I a first-time mom with lofty visions of competence, but I also have been known for my dedication to the local, sustainable movement which means I walked into this parenting thing with the intention to use cloth diapers.

Boy, did THAT get you revved up.

"Uh-huh...you say that now...just wait..."

"Oh, we thought about that too. You'll change your mind."

And, of course, there were those of you who just laughed.

Well guess who's cloth diapering?

You're never going to guess.

ME!

Before you say anything...prepare to shut the f*ck up.

Let's start with the obvious awesomeness I'm doing for the environment by not throwing away 10 diapers a day for the next 913 days (that's nearly 10,000 diapers for you mathematically challenged folks). And before you load your mouth with the unoriginal water waste from washing said diapers tripe; we are using eco-friendly appliances. The polar bears love me.

Me - 1; You - 0

I'm also saving a buttload (pun totally intended) of money. When The Bean first arrived, her little tush didn't fit into the cloth diapers. So, yes, we used disposables since I couldn't find a baby pooper-scooper. Diapers are ridiculous-expensive. And do you know what's sitting in my closet now? An economy-sized box of disposable diapers too small for my child.

The cloth diapers? One size fits all. They have snaps to adjust the sizing so they grow with your child. No more boxes of unusable diapers.

Me - 2; You - 0

Finally, you know what sentence doesn't come out of my mouth ever? "Oh my God. We're out of diapers. And it's 4 in the morning. Now we need to run to the ghetto CVS where we may get shot...but we need those diapers!!!"

This still happens with dog food, toilet paper and emergency Reese's Peanut Butter Cup needs...but not diapers.

Me - 3; You - 0

Second finally, they work just as well as disposables (well, we're still training Michael on how to properly get them on The Bean without poop disasters ensuing) and are no more effort on my part. In fact, they may be less effort. I'm far more apt to throw a load of diapers into the washing machine which is inside my house than take a bag of dirty, disposable diapers outside to the garbage can.

Me - 5,003; You - 0

So for all you haters out there who lectured me about how hard cloth diapering would be and dropped the ever famous "just you wait...," I have one thing to say to you.

Kisses,
Mrs. D-Zo