Monday, April 18, 2011

Things Pregnant Women Should TOTALLY Complain About

This weekend, I vented my frustrations about some of the idiotic things pregnant women seem to complain about constantly.

But here's the catch. There are a multitude of things brought on by pregnancy that you don't hear Boo about--and they really suck.

My Hips Don't Lie

My hips are going through a particularly nasty, painful divorce. After 33 years of togetherness, irreconcilable differences have made my hips part ways. Apparently they have gotten restraining orders and they are required to stay 100 feet away from each other.

The rub is, they are still contained within my skin.

As The Bean settles in for her final weeks of womb vacation, her weight is pushing my hips apart so I can shoot her out of my hoo-ha like a cannonball. This means: (a) I can stay in one position for roughly 30 minutes before it becomes wildly uncomfortable--this includes sleeping positions, (b) it feels like I've been riding a bicycle for 400 straight hours--on an unpadded seat, and (c) my walking gait more closely resembles a duck's than a human's.


I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen to all of my internal organs and bits and bobs when there was something the size of a small pumpkin taking up residence inside me. Would they just shrink? Perhaps they take a well-deserved vacation. Or maybe they just effortlessly scoot to an unoccupied spot in my body and get a little cozier with some of the organs they haven't visited in awhile.

I'm now fairly certain none of those things happened. Everything stubbornly stayed put and has become the playground for The Bean.

It's hard to be angry with a person who doesn't realize your right ovary is not a punching bag or that kicking another person in the diaphragm for hours on end is annoying bordering on grounds for spree killings. Actually, it's pretty easy to be angry with them, but the knowledge of my ability to embarrass that same person when they hit 13 years old makes the pain more bearable.

The World's Most Ineffective Camel

No joke, I go through 3 liters of club soda a day (I have the Soda Stream and I highly recommend it to anyone who loves the fizzy water). It's like I just finished my 20-year African desert hike and every last drop of water on the planet might help alleviate some of the thirst.

Except then I have to pee.

Like a lot.

Except when you go to the restroom to alleviate yourself, nothing happens.

Like at all.

Because someone is sitting on some of your internal plumbing and it closely resembles what happens when you accidentally park your car on top of the garden hose and then try to water your plants.

This goes on every 5 minutes all day long. It's a real treat.

So there's those things.

1 comment:

Nicole J said...

Thank goodness I've had zero hip pain. I'm preparing to strt the 3rd trimester this week and knock on wood the only thing that I have going on is this extra 10 pounds of boobs and belly. Oh and leg cramps! They suck the big one! Not much longer now!!!!