Monday, October 17, 2011

The Mother of Necessity

OK, look. We humans have been doing this having a baby thing for awhile now, right? Depending on which Wikipedia source you look at, it could be as long as 3.2 million years. So yeah, awhile.

We've come a long way for sure. I mean, the car seat that fits on the stroller is a pretty crucial piece of equipment. The Pack-N-Play? You mean I can bring her bed with me anywhere? Sold! And no parent would dream of leaving the house without a travel pack of wipes.

But frankly, I'm shocked we haven't gotten just a little further than where we're at. Inventors, you should be ashamed. What exactly are you working on? The Segway?

And don't be stealing my ideas. These are totally patent pending.

Invention 1: BabyMeter
Three things cause crying in infants. That's it. Three. Hunger, needing sleep or a dirty diaper. Of course, in the heat of the moment you forget this.

Crying triggers a parent's "Oh my God, the world is ending. Fix the baby! THE SCREAMS!!! THEY DON'T END! HOWCANIMAKEITSTOP!?!?!" instinct. You find yourself exhausting every possible option but the Golden Three.

When you finally regain your senses, you then have to figure out which of the Golden Three is causing the distress.

For those naive few out there who think this part of the problem-solving is easy...hah. Oh, that diaper can't possibly be dirty since you just changed it 30 seconds ago? Hah. Oh, you think the baby isn't tired since they woke up from a 2-hour nap 15 minutes ago? Hah. The baby isn't due to eat again for another least? Hah.

Have you tried to feed a child who has gone into meltdown mode because they are hungry? Do you know what the last thing a child wants to do when their head has caught on fire and their shrieks summon Pterodactyls straight from the Mesozoic Era? Eat.

The whole trick with parenting is solving the problem BEFORE it's a problem.

I'm inventing the BabyMeter. A handy dandy gadget you can stick in the baby's ear or slap on their forehead to indicate exactly the source of trouble. I know. Brilliant. And hold onto your hats because I'm about to blow your minds. I went the extra mile. You're welcome.

You can totally use this as a gauge to assess how long you have before you reach meltdown mode.

"What do you think, dear? Another glass of wine before we head home? Let's check the BabyMeter...ooooh, it looks like we have an overtired meltdown due to hit in about 7 minutes. Drink fast."

Invention 2: Cry-Be-Gone
Mothers, as a group, are a self-conscious lot and I am their leader, hear me roar. Nothing turns the embarrassment spotlight on faster than your baby crying in public.

A crying baby makes heads swivel. It's the grocery store version of rubber necking. If there isn't blood spewing from the baby's eyeballs or limbs strewn among the cereal boxes, then you're clearly an unfit mother and obviously doing something wrong.

The looks immediately change from concern to contempt. Can you not hear the baby? Why can't you take care of the baby, already? Are you sure you should be grocery shopping right now? I'm pretty sure you are the first mother whose child has ever cried.

This may or may not be all in my imagination. But I guarantee, I'm not the only one. Let's hear it for insecure mothers everywhere!

News flash: Babies cry. And sometimes you can't do a damn thing about it. And sometimes you need to go food shopping or else there will be a Mad Max Thunderdome throwdown at the house over who gets the last snack serving of kettle corn microwave popcorn - and no one in the house even likes that crap. You just accidentally bought it because last time you were so frazzled at the grocery store you just threw things into the cart and ran in hopes of avoiding the meltdown-judgement embarrassment.

Thankfully, you no longer have to eat kettle corn popcorn.

Cry-Be-Gone is the first noise-cancelling stroller.

Baby about to cry because the wind changed directions? No problem! Just drop the top and...VOILA! Instant silence.

 Food shopping no longer needs to be the stress-filled, guilt-ridden excursion it once was.

Invention 3
Actually, I don't have a third invention, but my OCD compels me to always do things in sets of three.

We are now accepting orders.


No Drama Mama said...

I have a third invention for you! How about an ice pack/thermal patch worn under the shirt that self-regulates, so the baby is always the perfect temperature? Maybe it was just my kid that could not decide whether she was hot or cold, but constantly tending to that drove me crazy!

Michael Dezso said...

Like that one NDM. Cadie isn't fussy about it, but im always worried about it anyway. The summer heat between Austin and Atlanta has been killer.

humanmama said...

this may now be one of my all-time favorite mommy blogs. And that's saying something. Thanks for the laugh...good stuff!