Saturday, April 16, 2011

What Pregnant Women Complain About


I'm going to go ahead and break the first rule of Pregnancy Fight Club.

There seems to be a lot of complaining accompanying this whole pregnancy experience and I'm not exactly sure I get it. For the most part, pregnancy is a walk in the park (We pause this post for an editor's hedging: I'm talking about normal pregnancies with no complications. And no, being pregnant is not a complication.)--albeit a very long, sometimes slightly inconvenient 10-month walk.

There are a slew of complaints I hear about consistently making me want to slap pregnant women. If you thought being pregnant would be the same as being unpregnant, find yourself a toaster oven and a full bath. You'll love the pretty lights you see.

Things Pregnant Women Need to Shut Up About Already

"That person called me 'Big,' 'Small,' '6 months pregnant when I'm clearly only 21 weeks'

This is going to come as a surprise to most pregnant women, but the day you found out you were pregnant, the world did not stop to go out and read up on pregnancy. No one cares that pregnancies last 40 weeks--and they certainly don't care what week you are in.

People want to know 2 things: what day are you due and what day are you due.

Everything else is extraneous information making them do math and most people aren't that good at math. So give the world a break and when they ask you how far along you are just say, "I'm due in July--only 3 months to go!"

Shock #2: While the world was spending all that time not looking up pregnancies week by week, they also were busy not giving a damn about how much your uterus and womb expands throughout pregnancy.

So when someone says you look big or small for how far along you are, they are saying it just to carry on the conversation (unless it's your doctor. Then you might want to listen up and possibly lay off the ice cream. Yes, I'm looking in the mirror as I type this.). So give them a pass.

I had two cashiers the other day tell me I looked 4 months pregnant. I wanted to jump over the conveyor belt and kiss them with tongue. My mother told me I was looking big. I took this to mean definitively that The Bean was coming early and I would get to be unpregnant sooner. Win-Win.

People Keep Touching My Belly

I'm going to go out on a limb and say the people making this complaint are the same people who (a) are always talking about their pregnancy, "It IS great the unemployment rate is dropping. That means this baby that I'm pregnant with will have a better chance at finding a job 16 years from now." (b) are wearing the cute little maternity clothes showcasing their bump like a ship beacon in the fog, and (c) don't walk around with this face on:

I don't have anyone touching my belly who I don't want to. In great thanks to that look being etched on my face at most times.

I Can't Believe How Much Weight I'm Gaining

I have two things to say: (a) You're pregnant. If you didn't think you were going to gain weight you're an idiot and should do us all a favor and play in traffic. (b) If you (or your doctor) think you are gaining too much weight, eat right.

Pregnancy is not the 'Get Out of Jail Free' card to go eat at Shoney's Buffet 24/7. 300 extra calories, kids. That's like an apple and a glass of milk. If you're starving, it's probably because you ate something crappy that doesn't fill you up. Go eat a cucumber.

All that said, I'm fanatical and obsess about my weight. Because I'm allowed. I got permission from the Pregnancy President. Which means I can go eat out constantly, enjoy fried foods and desserts and then be completely stunned when the scale says I've gained 10 pounds in three weeks.

Next Post: Things Pregnant Women Should TOTALLY Complain About


Nicole J said...

I don't mind people I know touching my belly it's the thought of complete strangers touchingmy belly that creeps me out. No one can tell I'mpregnant yet so I'm in the clear for now :)

Anonymous said...

Eating a slice of humble pie right now reading this as I am pretty sure I have said nasty things about people I love over their commentary about my size during pregnancy. But alas, you're right. The world doesn't know or care what 20 vs 28 vs 32 weeks looks like.
Next post request: dumb shit people say to pregnant people. (come on! that would be a good one!)
Alyssa K

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